The illness of MS moved into me slowly, intermittently at first, taking sensations from me, then giving them back. I felt at the mercy of this mysterious illness, not knowing its name or what it was after. Then MS announced itelf with full force, taking from me briefly my legs, the very foundation on which I stood. Though it was only for a minute, the possibility was always there. I was no longer safe and secure in my body.
Then as the MS progressed, it took away from me my ability to move freely in the world. Over time, I was confined to an ever tighter box; my world and me became shrunken and small. I lost my energy, my vitality, so that I could no longer live a full day or do what I was used to doing in a day. Time and energy became precious commodities that I had to dole out in small measure, always making a choice of what meant the most to me. My emotions were out of control and worse any show of emotions gave the illness more power. I had to learn serenity, to dampen my emotions. My thinking was becoming dull, words and thoughts escaped me as I tried to speak. It felt like I was less of a person, in a small box without time or energy. I had no power or control, anything could be taken from me at any time; I had to learn acceptance of that or I would be forever in a rage.
Alone in my house, I lost my job and my identity as a worker, I lost my ability to function so that I lost my identity as a doer or a competent person, I couldn’t go to my daughter’s activities or pay much attention to her so I lost my identity as a mother, I saw few people and so lost my identity as part of the community, I stopped talking to my friends not wanting to just share my bad news so I lost my identity as a friend. I was just me with no actions, thoughts or feelings to distinguish myself. I struggled with the very existential question of what value was I? The only answer I could find that allowed me to go on was that I was of value to God, without having to be anything in the world of man. I just was and that was good enough, I had to accept this stripping down to nothing and feeling that I was still good and of worth to be able to go on.
Just as illness left me powerless, diminished and stripped to the very existential being, healing built me up, empowered me and gave me a sense of being able to do great things, possibilities opened. With control, I ate what was healing and shunned what was harmful to me, I took over the agenda, instead of a victim, I was a fighter. I regained my sense that I could do as my body responded to my healing diet and my working it in exercise. I had power again, power over the disease that before seemed to have full power over me.
I pursued a spiritual path at that same time, finding truth and comfort in a higher being, in a sense that there is purpose and meaning to my suffering. At the bottom of my experience, I sensed love for who and what I was, stripped down to my essence. I held to that and have been seeking ever since to know more of that divine love. In this quest, I have found humility, faith, trust and love. Illness helped me grow, so it was not in vain. I ask if I had not healed would I still be able to see illness as a gift? I hope that I would, for the illness lead me back to myself and to the powers above.
Now, life is more precious to me and I am more grateful for whatever I receive. I don’t expect so much, I accept what comes along. Cancer followed several years later and I could accept that without anger or much angst; this is life, suffering has meaning and death is not the worst thing that can happen. I healed again from cancer, now 7 years later, I am healthy and fully functioning. It is a gift and I try now to be a person who each day bestows a gift to another.